Unlocked Diary

I’m 23 years old and still feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

It’s an especially prominent feeling everyday I go to school. My friends all seem to have it together, they are excited for internships and court while I’m excited about everything else. The truth is, as it relates to school, I do love the Law but I’m sure those around me don’t see me as being passionate as they are and I feel like they seriously judge me. I want to and plan to be successful at it and I do take it seriously but sometimes I feel so lost in the constant discussions about everything surrounding the Law.

In addition, sometimes I feel like I’m being put on a back burner by those around me because I don’t necessarily fit the mould. I don’t think I’m being taken seriously because my interests are outside the scope of what they traditionally should be (upstanding law student and all).

I struggle a lot with trying not to stand out as much as I think I do.

For my friends I’m tying to not be as bubbly (they call it loud), I’m trying to engage in legal conversations although I’d really rather talk about entertainment related things and I’m trying to be the formal me I need to be to ever be taken seriously in my chosen profession.

I worry that no one ever would. I worry that my preference of having my locks out rather than in a bun will make me people see me as “ras” rather than “Attorney at Law”. I worry that my friends see me as the clown or the one that needs constant guidance and they haven’t fully accepted me as part if the group but rather a plus one.

1. I’ve abandoned this space for long enough. School seems to take up all of my energy lately, I have so much I want to write about but I’m so mentally tired I can’t even formulate the words to type it all out.

2. I’ve been using whatever free time I have to focus on having a clear and healthy mind. Making a conscious decision to be happy and not allowing the little things around to pull me down has made me so much more content. Life is too short not to bask in the sunshine and live.

3. More and more I’m realising how important doing other things outside the law is to me. I know I’ve spoken about this numerous times but I’m starting to feel stifled.

4. I didn’t do a post on Trinidad carnival this year but that’s only because it was so much pace (even sounding like a Trini now) I didn’t play mas this year but the partying and lining was enough to drain me until next year.

The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

Whenever I tell my Trinidadian friends about my Trini family and they come to realise just how many members are born and bred Trinis, I get an “ohhh you half Trini.” I have never considered myself anything but Vincentian. Both my parents were born and grew up in St. Vincent and It’s the only place I’ve ever lived, with the exception of my 3 year University stint in Barbados.

My father’s family is Trinidadian (mother, brothers and sisters). He, however, only ever lived in Trinidad for a year when he was a child. I have always been extremely  close to my family here and now that I “live” here I’m even more glued to them. I  sometimes even find myself saying certain things in the quintessential Trini way (still can’t get the hang of “twen-tay”) 

I’ve been in Trinidad for about 6 months now I haven’t seen the shores of Tobago yet or even the beautiful coast of Toco that I’ve only seen in pictures but I love Trinidad (and Tobago even if I’ve never been). My non national peers think I’m crazy for some reason but I’m in love.

I love the food, the people, the hustle and bustle and the never ending excitement. Trinidad doesn’t stop until you do. 

I feel at home here, maybe it’s time I start embracing being “half Trini”

Anyone? Someone?